Never email your boss..

This is the real, un altered email which I sent to my boss, the CEO of a Property Research company which I was working for some time back. The only thing I changed in this email is the name of my boss, and the company name.

I highly suggest you not try this as your boss may not find this type of humor as funny as mine did at the time. Also im sure some type of sexual herassment is in order. Who knows, you can sue for anything now days.

Anyhow, enjoy.





Att: *edited boss's name**

1. After coming home from what was more than my agreed 8hr day at work, I turned my tv to nick at night to find an old episode of I Dream of Jeanie. In this particular episode Jeanie granted upon the house a 5 course meal, as well as rolled out red carpet for Major Nelson to walk on as he entered his humble abode. Me sitting in my livingroom having seen this began to think, do i not deserve the same treatment? I have yet to have dinner waiting on me at the office, let alone red carpet to walk on. Im just really beginning to feel unappreciated for what I do around here.

2. I cant put a gun to someones head and force them to make my deed copies, I have tried and tried if you think the gun idea will work though then it is my belief that you should go to Mason Co. and try it YOURSELF! I did however put a gun to my own head and demanded deed copies. Never before have I seen such a large group of people chanting "pull the trigger you pussy" in my life.

3. I think it only fair that my payscale be re-evaluated. I sat down earlier tonight and added up my bills and put on the left side of my scale which I use to measure out Maryjuana with. I then printed out 2 of my timesheet's equaling one month's pay and put on the other side of the scale. Well as im sure you can guess the side with my bills plummeted immediatley, thus breaking the table it was on, as well as damaging the spanish tile I had just installed in my kitchen. That can meen only 1 thing, I am not only bad with money but I have too many bills with nothing to show for it. I think it only fair however that instead of me managing my money better you should instead just up my payscale so that for 1 month and 1 month only I will be able to pay my bills. Only after that 1st month will I then go and aquire more bills to compensate for my increased payscale.

4. After a previous incident in the courthouse I found the constant handling of books to be hazardous to my health both mentally and physically. It is my belief that someone should be hired to pull and replace books for me. If possible hiring a 2nd person to read them for me would be greatly appreciated as well. Last week as I was replacing deed book 69 I pulled a muscle in my wrist leaving me helpless for the rest of the day. Later that night I found myself inable to masturbate leaving me with no option other than aquiring the help of an escort service in which the receipt for I have yet to fax but will be included in with my expense report.

5. I find it rather annoying that you expect certain things out of me such as showing up, doing my job, doing my job correctly, ect. I meen really, you are my Boss, not my Mom. You have no right what-so-ever in telling me what to, or not to do. It is extremely difficult for me to run my errands, do my laundry, go shopping, ect. during buisness hours when you are constantly calling me asking me to do various things. In the future it would be greatly appreciated if you would refrain from doing so.

6. Yes I do carry a phone on me at all times, this does not meen nor give you the right to call me at any time. Contacting me is a privledge, not a right. Also I find it to be an inconvenience that when you do call it is work related. Have you ever thought that I may be on the other line discussing things such as what im going to wear tomorrow to work with someone when you call? Your constant calls break my train of thought. It would be appreciated if they would stop immediatley.

7. Below you will see that I have infact enclosed a picture of a flower boquet because you do not pay me enough to buy an aqtual boquet, which I explained in #3 of this said letter. The picture of the flowers is infact a Haloween boquet. Being as how this date is 11-03-2005 Haloween is over thus rendering the Haloween boquet on sale. Allthough sending this picture of them is infact free I still had to send a picture of the one which was on sale. That is just how broke I am. (see #3 again)


I would like to thank you in advance for reading this email. I feel positive that you will not only understand but comply with my every request as well. However in the unlikely event that you do not share my feelings and or beliefs described in this said letter I will be left with no choise other than to turn in my resignation. In the event of me resigning from **edited company name** you will be left with no choise other than begging me to come back. In the event the above mention series of events unfold I will be left with no choise other than renaming **edited company name** to fit my requirements of what I think my company name should be. The re-arranging will be CALL&L. We will then in time turn our Property Research buisness into a call girl buisness, thus the "CALL&L" arrangement.

Also, I believe an apolagy as well as some gratitude is in order for me having to take time out of my schedule to write you this email. In the future could you perhaps ask your psychic what it is that I am infact thinking or in need of. That would put alot less workload on me having to answer you.



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In that original email I forgot to email a picture of flowers which I had found online. It was a picture of a haloween boquet in a pumpkin. Below is the follow up email which I sent directly after I had realised what happened.

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Att: **edited boss's name**

In my previous letter I failed to attach the said flowers picture. That memory lapse is just further proof of me being under appreciated and over worked. Below however I have infact sent you the flowers that you so dearly deserve.

**picture of said flowers here*

I hope that the presence of these flowers will compell you to print them out from your inbox and set them onto your desk so that they brighten your day and give you a sense of fulfillment so that you may then give me the pay increase which you know I deserve.