Siwel's Chili Explosion

The night of the great Chili Explosion


Being it's winter, and a severe winter at that, the high daily has been around 13 degrees not counting the windchill. The low's have been well below the negative numbers. Knowing this I find it extremely difficult to leave the house unless I absolutely have to.

I made my way to the store and picked up the ingredients to make my famous death chili. Since you more than likely do not know what my death chili consists of I will post the procedure in making it on a blog once I am finished writing this one.

Anyhow;
The chili is now made, and Houston we have a problem. The waterline to the house has froze and busted. Great. I inspect the damage which isnt too severe and will require a re-solder of 2 joints. Ah well, I will get to it tomm.

Day 2.
Second day of eating chili, water is now fixed, toilet is operational, which is good.

Day 3.
Somewhere between 3am and 8am the water freezes again. This time it's royally fucked. Pipes busted, you name it, it's basically un-fixable without total removal and replacement. This displeases me and I am so pissed off at this I inquire professional help to fix it. Help will be here Sat. to fix it. Today is Thursday. Fuck it, I can live without a toilet, the gas station is just down the road if I need to use it anyhow.

Night time comes on day 3.
It has been a shitty day, I decide it is time to drink. I back this thought up by a trip to the gas station to purchase a case of beer. Sten calls, him an BC are comin over to drink as well. We kick around the idea of going out then decide to watch E.R. before we venture out.

Case's are drank. (see pic)

It is at this time that the consumption of chili for 2 days straight and downing a case of beer in under 2 hours has brought forth the overwhelming need to use the toilet.
I dont mean "I think I need to use the facality". I am talking about "holy shit, get out of my way, im on a mission to go work the porcelain"

Being half blitzd and in udder need of using the el-grande-pisser as a portal to take my oncoming explosion of ass-piss I forget that the water is not working. I remember the minute I go to flush the jaba-the-hut-like pike of watery fecal matter sitting at the bottom of the toilet. I close the lid to the mighty toilet which has survived this atom-bomb like explosion and walk into the livingroom.

It is now time to go bar hoppping. After all it's 11:30 on a Thursday night, I am sure there is tons of places we can go.. Ha.

Beer's in hand we pile into a standard cab 4wd Chevy which of course is a 5spd. I screw around outside in the freezing ass cold while BC gets in. Immediatley he realises why I did this. He now has to ride bitch in the middle. Gotcha!

It is now evident that Sten is drunk, probably too drunk to be driving, but we are too drunk to really care. After dropping his keys twice while attempting to put them into the ignition the truck fires up. DUI's be damned we are on our way to a bar. Which bar? We don't know yet but we are in route for one of them.

We pull into the Corral.
Lights are totally off, it is obvious they are closed and have been for some time. Sten parks and gets ready to go in. We convince him they are closed and pull out of the parkinglot in route for another place. The Cameo is close, matter a fact it is right down the street from my house, we head there. It too is closed. This is bringing forth an auro of anger among the group.

We pull into River City
Lights are on, not many cars but we care not.
Walk in, we head to the bar which is an easy task being we are the only people besides maybe 3 in there. Shots are ordered with a chaser of beer. The bartender informs us that this would be last call. FUCK. We shoot it down and slam the beer an head out.

We make it to the Marina
Thursday is guys night, we totally forgot about this. Not that it mattered much because we had missed it by a few hours but the place is packed none the less. We walk in, pay cover charge and make it half way to the bar. In route we are stopped by this waitress to which I will reffer to as "Satan". She looks at me and says "doin the usual tonight?". I say yes and she goes away in route for the bar. I am not sure what in the hell that meant or what she is doing but it suonds like we will be getting alcohol placed in our hands soon. This pleases me as well as the rest of the group.

Apparently "the usual" is a shaker of Snakebite and 6 draft beers. There is 3 of us, we are already shitfaced, and this is going to be our opening round. We each chug a beer then pass the shaker back an forth til it's complete. We now each have a beer and are now mobile to wander around not having an abundance of drinks to watch. It's going to be a long night.

I have reached the stage of drunk where I like to tell people who I hate just how much I hate them and why. I am being followed by 2 people who are equally shitholed and bored. This means the first one to egg something on wins.

This guy Justin is at the end of the bar, he is a complete douche. Really he has never done anything to me, let alone anything bad to me. I however don't see it like this at the time. Neither do my two fellow drunkards. We make our way to sit beside him at the bar.

Before I have the chance Sten takes it upon himself to ask the poor guy if he had a fight with his boyfriend and came to the bar to drink his problems away. This is instantly the funiest thing I have ever heard. I immediatley back him up by saying "are you kidding me? Look at his stupid ass. He might be queer but even queers have standards. He's too big of a douchebag for women to want him, what makes yuo think any queer would want him either?"

This enrages Justin, he says nothing, looks at his beer then sprints off to another part of the bar. He is pissed but there is not much he can do about it. The bartender apparently dislikes this Justin as much as we, he gives us a round on the house.

The bartender is cool.
We are assholes.

For the rest of the evening we are pretty much planted on the barstools. We sit there bullshitting about god knows what, eating popcorn, and consuming more draft beer than anyone should ever partake in.

Now is time for the ride home. I would write about it, but I dont really remember any of it. I know I woke up at my house, in bed, so it must not of been too awful bad.
I remember the toilet situation upon waking the next morning which displeased me being I now have the draft-beer shits. I make a mad dash for the truck and head for the gas station.



Thank god for Clean restrooms at the local BP

New Years with the Queers

Cases of beer, bottles of tequila, bunch of queers, one transvestite
And one hell of a New Years Eve story


Time's they are a changin..
Sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad.

This story takes place with my buddy Worth.
Worth is a cool cat, we used to go raise hell, booze it up, fuck with whores, get in fights, you name it we did it. We were the ultimate weekend warriors.. except we did this pretty much daily.

Anyhow, my buddy Worth got hooked up with this chic. She's oh, early to mid 40's but has the body of a woman in her 20's and the mind of one in her early teen's. This is one of those "new-age" mom's who is open to any and everything. She has a daughter who just turned 21 who lives with her. Her daughter also has a girlfriend -(no, not a girl who is her friend)- who lives there in the house with her. There is also, like any young person, about a dozen friends who are allways hanging out there, staying there, ect. All of these people hanging out there are also gay.

In my time of hanging out at this house with Worth I have seen a wild range of things. I had seen people get stripped naked, I had seen people get chased and beat with a dildo, I had seen.. I dont even know where to begin, but I had seen it all.. Or so I thought.


Enter New Years:

I made my usual preperations for New Years. I got beer, lots of it.
Normally I would grab a bottle or two of whatever random liquor I seen fit but Worth's chic had already informed me that there was no need as she had went on a shopping spree at the liquor store a few days earlier. We all know free liquor tastes better anyhow.
Game on.

I make it to the party.

As soon as I walk in im greeted by Worth, his chic, an what appears to be about a dozen queers sitting on the floor with their Mac's and ipods. Instantly I realise this is going to be one interesting evening.

I make my way to the kitchen and open the fridge only to reveal cases upon cases of beer stuffed anywhere there was an open space to put it. I moved stuff around, threw some stuff (food) away, and find places to fit my beer in there.

Starvation is the word of the hour, Worth agrees. He told me prior to coming over that his chic had made dinner an bla bla.. Well, the dozen queers had ate it, all of it. Only thing left were the evening appatizer type foods. We head to get a pizza.

It is now my belief that if you are queer you
1) have a built in tape-worm, as these fuckers eat nonstop
2) get free items from Apple being that is all they use

I inform Worth of my realisations and he thinks for a few seconds then agrees by saying "You know, those fuckers do eat alot. Theyre hungry nerdy queers".

Back to the house and more people have arrived in our absence.
The queer to hetro ratio is now on the decline. We went from about a 4-to-1 defecit to about a 2-to-1 advantage. It's about damn time.

A few minutes later an announcement is made. Worth walks into the kitchen where alot of us are standing and says in a rather loud voice "Hey, the transvestite is coming!".

Im serious. I couldnt make this up. A fucking transvestite is on his/her/it's way. Oh boy, this is going to be interesting. I had seen them on tv, hell even in person, but never have I had one in my presence for any period of time. Also knowing Worth I was looking foreward to what he was going to say/ask/do to this transvestite.

I decide that a mass ammount of alcohol needs to be consumed by myself before these events take place. I dont mind being surrounded by these queers but there comes a point when enough is enough. Put your game face on kids, it's game time.

Plenty of beer and a few shot's in the books and I am now ready to face whatever this party holds in store. I am eating shrimp and chugging beer like it's water. Yes, I have hit that stage.

Queer #1 walks in and is drinking some sort of black looking liquid. I inquire as to just what in the fuck it is. She responds by explaining to me it is a mix which her mom had conjured up consisting of, and no, I am not making this up, "wine, vodka, rum, whiskey, triple-sec, kool-aid, and sprite". As I take this all in, and stare blankly in disgust at that solo cup of black death she is holding. She then says to me "it's fabulous, wana try some of it?" I then throw up in my mouth a little, and graciously decline.

I now know that when you combine a bunch of skinny queers and what appeared to be 5 fuckin gallons of that toxic black shit they were drinking that interesting shit is going to happen. And here, I will now explain to you the proof.

From the family room I hear a low roar which is slowly turning into a loud roar which appears to be getting closer to the area in which I am currently at. The kitchen breaks out into full laughter as the family pet, a mid-sized Maltese canine goes running by.. garnished by a bright translucent neon pink strap-on dildo. Three queers give chase as the dog heads for the back of the house. I stand there laughing trying not to think about what they may have been doing to this poor animal.

Minutes later the room again errupts into cheers and giggles and whatever the fuck you call the odd noises that come out of happy/giddy queers mouths. The transvestite has arrived, and apparently It is the idol of this group.

It is to this group what Fonzie was to Happy Days.
It is to this group what Klinger was trying to be to M*A*S*H
It is to this group what David Letterman is to Paul Schaeffer
It is.. -wait- ..it is not bad looking.

I know what you are thinking, believe me I have thought it myself. There is no way you can NOT tell that a woman was once a man. Well let me tell you, you and I are wrong. With the exception of it had larger hands than most females do, it was not only bad looking, but at 3am when the bar closes I'd say it has alot of men willing to take it home. If you did not know it was once a dood, you would have no idea. Granted I am pretty fucked up at this point, but I still know the difference between a man and a woman.. I hope.


It is now about 15 til midnight and the queers are looking for pot's & pan's while holding wooden spoons and the like. Why? Beats the fuck out of me at that point, but I soon find out. Midnight hits and the queers make a mad dash for the front door. They pile into the yard beating & banging on whatever they can find and yelling incoherent shit into the air. As this goes on, once again, someone get's stripped naked. This time in the front yard. It now occurs to me I am in a house which is occupied by 1/3 queers, one of which is naked in the yard, and the others are making enough noise for the cops to possibly show up. I become concerned. I consume ALOT more alcohol.

It is then decided amongst the queers that half of them wish to go to the local gay bar, which is also owned by a transvestite. This is where the term "clown car" really hit home with me. Getting to view in upwards of half a dozen queers pile into a late 90's Cavalier was worth watching. There were legs, arms, dildo's, and anything else you could think of sticking out of the door of that car as they all try an pile in. I start to imagine being the cop on duty which decides to pull this vehicle over and find these people inside. I then take a sip of beer as I shudder at those thoughts an walk back inside the house.

As I make my way to the kitchen I hear a loud, un-natural moaning coming from the family room. This is the type of sound that I imagine a Cocker Spaniel would make while being fucked by a Giraffe. Well, I was close. As I walk in the family room to see what in the fuck is going on I see 2 queers laying with eachother on the couch watching a gay porn. This porn involved some rather generously gifted black guy sticking it to this poor white guy..
Again, I throw up in my mouth a little.

It is now time for me to leave. I am decently intoxicated, I have seen things I never thought possible, and I am tired. Worth explains to me the high level of intoxication which his chic has reached, and how he would be performing some ass-to-mouth before the night was over.



If youre going to party with queers.. you better protect your rears.